I see everything that's Beautiful, everything that's Beautiful

Well on Sunday I lost my best friend to Uni the other day and I feel like I've lost a bit of me. I really do. I realize how cheesy that must sound and I would have thought it myself before all this happened but there is always some truth in the cheese... and now I really feel it.
I won't go into all the things that make me sad as a result of him leaving because... of course... it will make me sad, and I don't want to be sad because I'm trying to think that he's having a great time and I will be in 4 days when I go off to uni too. I'm trying to think positively and, although it's hard because I will miss everything so much and I miss him so much and I never wanted anything to change, I'm trying not to write too much of the sadness down.
But now I'm listening to Amy MacDonald and this music reminds me of him. I'm getting just a little shivery right now.
I must remember not to cry, I must remember not to cry, I must remember not to cry... and yet it came. 'That's my best buddy that is'... and there it was.

Please don't forget me.

X

'And it hurts with every heartbeat'

Well it has been exactly 2 months since my last post, so it's probably about time I wrote another one. Haven't been to Middleton in while actually, so there is surprisingly little to report on the horse riding front. It's just been too busy with uni stuff! But i'll try and get a lesson booked for next week and the week after, or maybe more. We'll see. I did hire Oliver for 2 days for my birthday, which was lovely. I got 4 hours of riding on him over those 2 days and had a long time to bond with him. And I think I did because he soon started coming to me in the stable rather than me having to move him round and stuff to groom him and pick out his feet etc. And he started lifting his feet for me rather than me having to shout at him :p So that was good. The next main bit of riding I did after that was at Jo's. I went for the day and in the morning I rode Pippa (the ex-polo pony/crazy idiot),with Jo on Duska and Rob on Phizz, in this sort of park place where there were a number of open spaces where we planned to have a couple of long canters. Of course, Pippa decided canter was too slow and despite the speed of the other horse and pony she felt it necessary to full gallop both of the runs. After the hill she took on at this speed I think she must have realised that maybe she ought to calm down. I've never heard anything pant so loudly!! Anyway, we got back to the stable and Rob took Pip and I tacked up Ernie, the 16.5hh ex-Cheltenham racehorse/national hunter, and we had a jumping session in the paddock. Ernie is an absolute angel and I loved him to pieces. He flew over those jumps like they werent there and having ridden him I have learned that I much prefer to ride/jump bigger horses. 16.5hh may have looked pretty big but I must say it feels a lot better to ride than something smaller (sorry Oli :p)

Anyways, enough of horse riding, seeing as there is much much much to talk about. As regards uni... I got A,A,C,C and into Lancaster :D and we went to see the accommodation the other day and it is absolutely wonderful. Couldn't have got anything better. So I'm off there on the 30th September... I'll keep you posted :p
Gareth only has til the 23rd!!! It is TOOOO soon :(

I finish work on the 23rd actually, which will be good and bad. Good because im getting rather bored of the place and fed up with the company's stupid changes. Bad because it will be sad to leave the place i've worked at for a year and a half and all the fantastic people i've met there.

Currently trying to sort my room out to go to uni. (well, not currently because at this present moment i'm quite obviously typing on this here laptop (which i got for my birthday :P))
My birthday was great, except that i had to share it with results day. But everyone's results were good so at least everyone was happy. Went for a thai meal in the evening which was really different and really nice. I would definately 100% recommend it.

Went to Ireland for 2 weeks with my parents before my birthday, which was great. Dublin is incredible, as is Guinness, leprechauns, Irish pony trekking and generally everything else we experienced there.
Not long come back off holiday with Gareth. We went to Tenby for a week which was grrreat fun :D spent a lot of time on the beach because the weather was really good. Even went down there two nights to finish chocolate/wine to look at the sea and the stars etc. Saw two shooting stars, which was just amazing. The holiday also consisted of walking 2.5miles to go pony trekking, setting off the fire alarm with the grill, walking into a coach party's game in the Imperial, a lovely meal in the Plantagenet and lots and lots of craziness. Fantastic :D

This holiday I have read a quite a few more books than usual: 'The Magician's Guild' and 'The Novice' (both by Trudy Canavan), 'The Sword in the Storm' (David Gemmel), 'Lair' (James Herbert) and 'Morningstar' (David Gemmel). Then there are a number that i've either started or need to finish or read... 'The Interpretation of Murder' (not far off finishing), 'Kiss Of Shadows ' (have been meaning to finish for a long time), 'The Treasured One' (by David Eddings, to read but not started yet), 'The Dice Man' (started), 'Tipping The Velvet' (beautiful... need to finish), 'The Zombie Survival Guide' (a birthday present I have not read much of yet) and 'Ulysses' (kind of difficult, have started but wont be finished for a while yet). I also need to buy 'The High Lord' which follows after 'The Novice' and 'The Magicians Guild', but not yet. So the priorities at the moment are 'The Interpretation of Murder', 'Tipping the Velvet', 'The Dice Man' and 'Kiss of Shadows' (if i can get back into it after all this time). I love books, I really do.

Hmmmm, I can't think of things to write!!! I did have plenty in my head when I started writing this post... now I can't remember.

Oh, I've become a little addicted to World of Warcraft. I currently have a level 12 Blood Elf Paladin and a level 35/36 (or something like that) Night Elf Druid. Wahay. I love the Druid-ness of the Night Elf. Ok enough of that... it's very sad.

Went to the safari park with Katie this holiday, which was cool. Got to see the white lions who had about 3 cubs (awwwww!) So cute.
Have re-discovered the Old Irish Harp. It's actually really nice there now.

Best album bought since last post: Darren Hayes's new album 'This Delicate Thing We've Made'. 25 (I think) tracks of wonderfulness :D

Maybe I shall write another post when I remember all I was going to say. Or I'll add it to this post with a section that says 'EDIT:' or something. God I wish I could remember!!! Having just scrolled up this box I have realised that yet again the biggest paragraph of the whole post containing one topic is dedicated to horse riding. I'm sorry about that, it's just stuck in my head I guess. There are of course things that have happened that I do not wish to go into though. Maybe that is what is festering in my head, tricking me into thinking I have a lot more to write. Yes, maybe that's it...

But yes, I'm working tonight instead of yesterday night to cover for Charlie... so I need to go get tea. Hopefully it's wine and chocolate night with Gareth tonight after work :)


'Til next time

Sit tight I'm gonna need you to keep time

Well I feel like I've been dragged through a number of hedges backwards, sideways and upside-down. I just had an hour private jump lesson at Middleton EC, which, despite the fact that it rocked and was really useful and satisfying, seriously has worn me out. Aside from that I feel that I have made a lot of progress in that hour. I think it is so much better to have the hour because in half an hour the lesson is over before you realise you're really getting into it and starting to adjust more things to improve. But at least in the hour you have time to warm up, work really hard in the middle, improve considerably and then warm down, rather than warming up, working hard and suddenly finishing. Much better today. And Oliver, of course, was an absolute angel. He did wonderful jumps today and although there were a couple of awkward ones to follow through (resulting in a smack where it hurts from the front bump of the saddle >_<) most were just perfect and full of energy and enthusiasm. We tried to force him to take off and land in the same correct place this lesson - (because we had more time) - which obviously helped him a lot too because his jumping was way better than normal and when the guiding poles were taken away he still jumped fantastically, so they had clearly had an effect.

I think I improved a lot in terms of my jump position and my keeping him straight over the jumps rather than cutting the corner too soon. I did a lot better in balancing him round corners as well, I feel, especially in the canter, which he did really well with aswell because he was on the correct lead pretty much all of the time... bless him... and I managed to get him on the correct lead over the jumps even if trying to push him the opposite way so that he didn't cut the corner... phew... LOTS to comment on haha. Probably confusing you a little now.
Hopefully going to see Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix tonight, so I'll let you know what I think of it. I saw Outlaw at Sam's last night, which was alright but could have been better... I found it a bit boring to be honest and more than slightly pretentious, ah well, that's another film seen, along with Blade which I saw on Wednesday, which was also good but got silly when it came to the people blowing up to big red blobs and then exploding. Stephen Dorff, however, absolutely MADE that film by being hot hot HOT! ... http://images.allmoviephoto.com/1998_Blade/stephen_dorff_blade_002.jpg ... Check him out.

Right, time for beans on toast I think. Then I need to ring Kerry (though maybe not today) and ask about hiring Oli for a week and the terms and conditions etc etc. Yay.
Over and out mes amies

xxx

"Yeh we're only gonna fake it"

"A slap in the face and a look of disgrace infront of the whole race, it's all gone sour.

I stare at the floor as she storms out the door and the man at the bar shouts 'Happy Hour'"

http://www.myspace.com/palladiumofficial
Such a 'feel-good' song but I don't think it's meant to be a very happy song *shrugs* oh well. Check it bitches!

Well exams are dead and so technically I should now be a bit more alive... but I'm really not. I am spending to long on the computer and doing F all. I have 3 months of holiday in total, 3 weeks of which will be spent away in Ireland and Wales. I think I probably need to get off my backside and do things. I've made cakes, attempted to read more of James Joyce's 'Ulysses', played way too much World of Warcraft, worked the normal hours at the pub and done nothing much else thats any different to what I would normally do. I just want to sun to come out so I can go out and stuff. Im going to ride to Little Aston park at some stage, just because it IS acceptable for a nearly 18year old to play on swings :) Speaking of which... I will be 18 in just over a month... a month and 5 days to be precise. I still don't know what I want or what I'm going to do. I have nothing planned so I think it'll be spontaneous drinking, though having drunk a whole bottle of Baileys last night the thought of alcohol is making me feel a little disgusting... though I must say... I have definately shifted the threshold of my 'feeling and being drunk' point. One glass of wine, maybe 2 used to be all it took but now I can drink a whole bottle of Baileys or 3 glasses of champagne and 3 glasses of red wine and still be ok to drink more because I feel just a teeny bit tipsy. I must say, the Baileys was the worst out of those but it makes up for that by being THE sexiest drink in the world. Yes, drinks CAN be sexy... Baileys proves that in my opinion. Though Remy Martin does come in at 2nd place very close behind.

I can't get Palladium's Happy Hour out of my head!
Watched Blade today with a couple of cups of Earl Grey at Rach's. How lovely. I made Butterfly cakes especially for the occassion but went and left them at home. Oh she's clever! *pats own back*

I'm feeling somewhat tired but quite thoughtful. What I want is to feel creative but I think the very concept of a holiday is turning me into some sort of zombie pretending to be alive even though Im actually not getting up or going to bed at considerably different times :S I think it's because I'm not doing much. I ought to go out and run or cycle or something. Maybe I will go swimming. Well I have horseriding on Friday... hour private jump lesson... which will be good. And sometime this holiday I will have my birthday thingy from my parents where I get to own a horse for a week and ride him/her as much as I like, which will be wonderful.

I need to go now because Im sure I can hear WoW calling me to kill some Rabid Dire Wolves before I pop off to work ce soir.
Auf Wiedersehen ladies and gentlemen *tips tophat*

"As the new passion stirring in their veins, When the destroying Dragon wakes from sleep"

This just came to me... I am sitting in the library and I am alone in this particular area bar two year 12s sitting opposite me. A year 13 whom I rarely speak to but who I spent lunch with, along with other people, just walked past and she smiled. Suddenly I got this feeling of us being closer through going through these exams together. The year 12s are not currently doing exams and it just seemed that there was this very strange and weak bond, but a bond none-the-less. And this section of a War poem just popped into my head, and though clearly it is very exaggerated when thinking of the situation of the exams and therefore it is very difficult to link the two things, I still feel the need to put it in here:

"There is not anything more wonderful than a great people moving towards the deep of an unguessed and unfeared future"

I will only briefly talk of the exams. I have 3 left now, which feels rather nice. But I will be so much happier when this afternoon is over and I can say goodbye to Psychology A level exams. They are simply horrible and very gut-wrenching... I must say, tis not a desirable feeling!

Tomorrow I shall be horse-riding at 8 o clock and I have decided that I want a regular private lesson rather than a jumping one, just to re-confirm my flat work and to go back over a couple of things that I have discovered more obviously to be slight problems through jumping. So I am hoping it shall be helpful, especially if I ask her if we can focus on my canter-work because I think I need it and it will certainly put me in better stead for jumping. I think I have Oliver tomorrow aswell, so I am very much hoping that he is planning on being well behaved.

I am trying to consolidate Psychology in my head and once again it has got to the point where I just want to go into that exam right now and get it all down on paper before my brain starts filtering it out through an awake version of Reverse Learning! (Thank you Crick and Mitchison... may you be content that you have polluted my mind with 'theories of dreams') ¬¬


Oh dear

On the verge of something Wonderful

Three things that can be said for today. Firstly, the psychology exam was surprisingly fine and the questions were pretty nice, particularly the one on Sleep. So that's one thing straight-forwardly out of the way.
Secondly I had a moment today when I realised the power of language. Now, I didn't realise 'oh I have the power to really say whatever I like', it was more concerned with the fact that I can choose NOT to say things, and that is what is powerful. I said the F word and I thought afterwards, I have so much freedom in that I have the power to control that. And no, I didn't think it in a 'yes being able to control my tongue gives me the moral highground', but it was more that stopping yourself from saying things can often be harder than just saying them, and having the power to do that is something so wonderful and it's more the potential that this 'power' provides than anything else that just made me feel happy.

Thirdly and finally, I was reading the book 'Why men can't (or don't- one of the two) listen and women can't read maps' and half of it I found really stupid, like they're just playing with the already existing rivalry between the sexes and that actually most of it cannot be generalised and that in most of those annoying instances they were just picking. Then we read on to the sex section and I learnt a few things, mostly about what men and women want. I learned that it is ok to have oddly sounding desires or ways in which I like to be treated sexually, for example, back tickling and non-sexual contact, which the book actually mentioned. I have always thought that I don't want to tell people how I want to be touched or whatever because maybe they'd find what I like boring (i.e. just tickling my back) but I discovered that it is actually ok to have those needs and that there is no harm in telling anyone that you like that because it is common. The book kind of gave ideas of what men and women like sexually and then said that men and women should just exchange those ideas between each other. I know it's advised that couples discuss what they like in that area but I never really got it confirmed in such a way and I think it's a really good idea. It sounds cheesy and crap and perhaps embarassing (mostly because I am not good at talking so openly about sex) but actually it wouldn't be. I really have stopped believing that it would be and I feel quite liberated on a kind of small scale. It's quite nice.

General studies exam tomorrow, I am not all that nervous about it actually, especially as it is in the afternoon so I can go back over notes in the morning.

I may alter this post because I still think i want to add to that last paragraph about the book and related stuff.

Can you feel it?

Revision has got the point where i'm finding it pretty difficult to actually read what is on a page and actually making it go in. I can't absorb anymore! I don't know how to revise any more of english because I have no motivation and no energy and no will to do any practise papers. I just want them to be over but I can't be sure if i'm ready. I'm sure Psychology Unit 4 will be ok, the English war exam will suck but i'll battle through it. General studies... well, I just don't know. I don't know how to revise for that either. Biology... I don't really care to be perfectly honest. The two other english exams, I don't know how I can do any more for those, and then Psychology unit 5 is going to be awful... it's that that's scaring me now! I've just realised how much there is! But I do have a week to revise that after Wednesday... along with biology... and the rest of english... oh god. At least I know there's not much more I need to do for English, and at least I know I don't care about Biology. So I shall focus on Unit 5. The 'Microbes and Disease' biology paper can just go to Hell. I do NOT want to know.

Anyway. Enough moaning for now. I might start watching the USA version of Queer as Folk, the actors had better be good! But I shall miss the dude who plays Stuart.

I need to get some more pens and the like this afternoon, or a 3 hour exam on monday will be a bit pointless. You know, I can't even be bothered to do that! I want to just sit outside with a book and a glass of wine and know that in the evening I may be having a barbeque or seeing my neighbours or some other friends or Sam or that we're going out or that we're having a big chicken dinner, playing Magic games, going to the pub or a gig or that after this meal I can sit around watching something awesome or sitting outside at night with people and knowing that the next day I can go out, Sutton, Birmingham, the park, anywhere! So long as I'm not revising. I'd just like to be able to do all of that and know that I don't have to time how long my break from revision is and I don't have exams starting Monday. Well, I've decided on my back-up plan if all goes to crap in my exams... I shall work with horses. I shall go study Equine Science or Equine Studies where the entrance grades are DDD or CCC or something like that and then I shall work with horses and teach people to ride and how to look after them. I will be having so much fun. Ok so i'd be wearing jodhpurs everyday rather than a suit but I know i'd be happy, so at least I have a good back-up plan. Makes me question why I'm going to uni to do what I am going to do actually, thinking about it!

I think I will stop there because I'm not really sure what I came on here planning to write, so that will do.

A lovely horse is always an experience.... It is an emotional experience of the kind that is spoiled by words

...and Oliver really is a lovely horse.

Hello there reader,
Today is my last day of being alone in the house... well, to be honest yesterday was my last full day, the family come home in the next couple of hours I believe. I have loved being alone. As much as it can get strange and occassionally a teeny bit lonely, in general it's just not. Ok, correction, they've just arrived home.

I need to write about horse riding again because I find it helpful to write down how I think I'm doing because it means I can attempt to decide on what I need to work on. So here goes nothing...

Last week I made a few targets for my next lesson, they were:
Sit down more firmly
Keep hands more still and down
Look ahead over jumps
Be more definate in the jump position

And last lesson I felt that I improved on keeping my hands more still and keeping more relaxed in general. I have decided that I trust Oliver so much and have realised that I don't need to be tense about learning to jump even if there is a little bit of anxiety because really, we're doing it for fun. I love him to pieces, I love his temperament and his attitude, how he comes out of his stable looking all fed up but as soon as you mount him he perks right up and is always raring to go. He is an angel. A gorgeous gorgeous angel. Anyway, I felt I improved sitting down more firmly in the canter but have got a couple of things I want to try next lesson to improve that. And I felt that I was more definate in going into the jump position over jumps, although looking ahead is a bit more difficult to remember to do.

I'll leave it there because I did put some of this in my actual diary and I'm sure it doesn't really interest you to read about horse riding.


"There is no secret so close as that between a rider and his horse" ~Robert Smith Surtees

In the clear moon light, Without fear... Insomnia

I had quite a strange and frightening experience last night, though in actual fact it wasn't really frightening at all. I watched a film til 2 o clock, and when I do that and turn off the T.V. afterwards to lie down and go to sleep I always find that i'm quite awake. However, it was 2am, so I figured I ought to try and sleep.
So I lay there for ages with my eyes closed, though they felt open because it was equally as dark with my eyelids open as when they were closed. And I just lay there. I remember knowing that I would fall asleep at some point but I started waiting.
I know people do this and it's perfectly normal to lie awake waiting to fall asleep, but then it frightened me, for some reason, that maybe I wouldn't be able to fall asleep because I was still thinking. I then tried to find a way to stop thinking, which clearly cannot be done because that in itself require thinking and you need to still be thinking to be aware whether you have stopped or not, and if you believe that you have stopped thinking then you quite clearly haven't because it requires thought to believe that.
Anyway, I got tangled up in that big arguement and then tried to drift away as I was taught to do in yoga relaxation. I found that it wasn't quite working as it usually does but I did get this incredible feeling of fading, even though all I could see was blackness. I got this feeling of getting further away from the physical blackness of my eyelids and into a weird state that I then thought must be close to sleep... though I then realised that I was thinking again and got all wound up. I got frightened because I did want to sleep and I was afraid that maybe this is what insomniacs must deal with and that it would become a habit.
I don't know why I was so afraid of not being able to sleep, and then that got worse by the fact that I thought I would fall asleep eventually but as I was not feeling sleepy now then how would I ever just fall asleep.
Of course, I realised I had fallen asleep when I woken up to my phone the next morning and it frightened me again how the last thing I had been thinking about was all of the above and I got anxious about when I had drifted off and why had I not known the last moments before I fell asleep.

I don't know why any of this felt so different last night compared to any other night when I've laid awake wondering when I will fall asleep. But I thought I would write about it... which reminds me... I must update my diary.

Affinity II

I can't believe I'm doing this again, but aside from the cheese I decided that as this is my blog I thought I ought to have my things in it, good or bad, just because, it's me. This is another extract from my story... it's just as cheesy as the last one, if not more. (The story is told by Anyetta Hallaway, an innocent young woman trying to come to terms with her new-found feelings for Kayla West, the attractive new girl in town. This extract is when she finally realises them.)


"After what seemed like half an hour Kayla stood up. I looked up at her and watched as she walked slowly away from me. She stood about 7 feet away and looked out off the hill to the fields in the distance. In her hand she had a destroyed daisy, drowned by the rain. She hung it down at her side and looked to the ground. At that moment a great feeling of sadness welled up in the pit of my stomach and I knew there was something about her that I wanted to know and perhaps couldn’t know because I knew I couldn’t ask it of her to tell me. My heart went out to her. There was something tremendously tragic within her, something that I could see rested on her shoulders and was a burden to her always. I wanted to go to her. I wanted to know her, everything. I wanted to hold her there and know everything she knew and loved, everything she was. And before I knew it I had stood up and gone to her. I had walked right up behind her and slipped my hands gently round her waist and moved close behind her. She flinched at first and I wanted only to comfort her. But before I could make one more thought escape my mind she had turned around and I was in her arms. She kissed me deeply, the wetness of our shirts seeping against one another, my body firm against hers, hers pushing further against mine and pulling me into her as if in desperation. I felt the rush as it hit my heart and lifted it like a hundred eagles had taken it in their talons and were flying away with it into some beautiful place. The chill that shot through then me sent so many tingles across my skin that if I were to try and count them, even give them a glimpse of recognition, I would be there for eternity. My eyes were wide at first but as I felt the warmth of her skin through the rain I knew at that moment everything, and the world opened to me with its great embracing arms and told me to follow. I knew her and I realised this was all I wanted. Everything I felt at that moment called to me like sirens through the shimmering rain and I wanted to run to it, wanted to find her waiting at the end, wherever I was running to. She pulled me closer and we touched at every point making the fluttering pangs race inside my stomach, rolling round and round like waves, crashing on inner walls. I wanted only to stay with her here, always. Her kiss was like a thousand roses on my lips, her touch like the velvet I knew I had imagined it to be and I never wanted it to end, and I knew at that moment she was mine and mine alone, and I wanted nothing more."

You bleed just to know you're alive

Well I was really stupid and temporarily forgot the address for this blog, so I though maybe it had been removed... but thank the Lord no... I'm fed up of sites just removing you hint hint MYSPACE!!!!!

Well school is over (we finished last week) and now it's all revision revision revision... if I could motivate myself to actually do it. I should revise today but I cant help thinking I should actually use the weekend as a weekend, especially as this week my family are going away and I shall have the whole time to revise alone, then I will actually get something done.

I feel bad but I can't help but wonder sometimes if two wrongs do make a right... sometimes it's entirely necessary, especially when I'm doing less. If you feel hurt and someone hasn't actually DONE all that much is it still right for you to think that they have done something wrong? Or am I just searching for justifications here... but then again, if we're talking about timing then that cannot be the case.

Oh I don't know.
I do hope the weather perks up because I intend on having a picnic in the park with Gareth this study leave, but it's been raining all night and all morning now and it's just depressing.

I'm going to have a cooking week next week as I shall have the freedom to do what I want, that is... if my grandparents (who live over the road) leave me the fuck alone ¬¬ Last time I spent some time at home alone I got phone calls every God-damned day and it REALLY did my head in. As much as I'm thinking 'no surely this time they'll realise I'm 17(!!) and not do it I should probably realise that I'm just kidding myself and not only will THEY ring me every minute of everyday but I will also get it from my other grandparents ¬¬ Well, at least I can try the answer 'yes I'm revising' to their question of 'are we disturbing you?' *shrugs*

"Crashing not like hips or cars. No, more like p-p-p-parties"

Well. I dont know whether i should be ashamed but i dont think theres any point in being ashamed so i will just type away. This needs to be put in here because this doesn't happen very often. Right, I got home and went upstairs and started to get unchanged but put Fall Out Boy on majorly loud i.e. 'Thanks for the memories' and 'The Carpel tunnel of Love' and 'This aint a scene...' because they are my favourites and i TOTALLY rocked out. I mean, literally, i danced around my room like an absolute spaz but it was more than just 'dancing round my room'. I dont know if you know how it feels when music grips hold of you and you feel it in your stomach and for a moment you're in your own euphoria and it's like 'the world's biggest orgasm'!!! Seriously I ended up in my bra and trousers (cuz i was so hot) and my pirate scarf tied round my neck going absolutely crazy! And there was Disturbed and Mika and Coheed and Cambria 'Favour House Atlantic, Lostprophets 'Last Summer' and then more Fall Out Boy!! I have never done that before but I hope it'll be like that tomorrow night at the Mika gig. My God people will need to clear out the way if it is!!!! Look out! I have arrived!!!!

"Goodnight sweet prince, may flights of devils wing you to your rest"

I love Anne Rice, to pieces. I watched Interview with the Vampire last night and my GOD she is incredible. She includes a lot of homoerotic-ness in her books anyway because Lestat is just a big bisexual! But that film is just extradordinary. I will list the bits that REALLY get me, EVERY time I watch it, because I think they deserve a mention:

1. When Louis meets Armand and Armand says "Remember my name... Armand"... gives me the shivers
2. The bit where Louis tells Armand that he is leaving and Armand comes out from behind the corner and says "So soon?" with lots of fire in his eyes as if... we haven't even started yet! ;D
3. The bit when Armand brushed his hand through the candle flame and winces.
4. When Armand speaks these words... (it is also the music that does this and the fact that by this point you know Armand wants Louis)... "Vampire... with a human soul. Immortal... with a mortal's passion....... you ... are... beautiful, my friend" ... MY GOD IT KILLS ME!
5. Generally all the bits after with Louis and Armand but particularly when Louis 'regretfully' declines his 'invitation' to join him and comes up to his face and grasps his head in his hands and speaks to him like he's going to kiss him, his lips even touch Armand's forehead (made ever by the fact that Louis is played by Brad Pitt and Armand played by Antonio Banderas!) and he speaks the words 'Ah, but I know you did. I know. You who regrets nothing, you who feels nothing, if that's all I have left to learn, I can do that on my own.' etc... i know the script too well... but it really turns me on. I mean... REALLY... turns me on. Bloody Hell.
6. Also when Louis finds Lestat in the old house near the very end and Lestat turns round and looks Louis up and down and says 'still beautiful' and 'the more you fought the more i wanted you' and the look on his face is just brilliant.

I tell you what, I worship Anne Rice for that story and that film and every one of her books. We just need Tarquin Blackwood in the Louis/Armand picture now and it would be amazing. Anyone who doesnt think girls can or should be turned on by seeing two guys together like men get turned on at seeing two girls together should be smacked.

Affinity

It came to 12 o clock and we both looked to the clock at the same time. I pulled the duvet across from my side and Kayla from hers and we enclosed ourselves in a soft envelope of duvet. It took a great deal of fidgeting and rearranging before we finally got comfortable and realised that it would have been far easier to get into bed properly for now the duvet was the wrong way round and so the cold side of it was touching our skin. We lay silent for what seemed like a decade when finally Kayla turned and looked at me, with what seemed like a bright blue light in her eyes. I turned my head to look at her and noticed her eyes shone with a dim green and I smiled. Everything new about her I wanted to embrace, wanted to write down so I would never forget it. Kayla rested her head on one bent arm and the other rested in front of her, between us. I mimicked her and turned my body to face hers, the duvet suddenly seeming so much warmer as it shuffled over us.
“Anya,” she whispered still, though there was really no need, my Aunt was not here and so there was no worry as to who we may be disturbing. Though her whispers touched me like gentle moth wings and I relaxed there and answered, “Yes”.
“Have you ever wondered how many stars you can actually see when you look up into that sky?” I noticed she was looking out the window behind me and I turned with a quick rustle to be greeted by a clear sky and a vast sea of shining dots out of my window. I loved the stars and always had done. The stars brought me back home. Not here. No, not with my Aunt. They brought me somewhere I did not know but did know at the same time. Somewhere I remembered but at the same time did not remember. They reminded me of a man I once knew as my father and as I looked through that window a shiver spread across me and I sighed deeply.
“I have always wondered it Kayla. They remind me of my father, how we used to watch the stars every single night until the day he… until the day he died.”
It still hit me like a hundred knives in the chest and I almost jumped when I felt the pressure of Kayla’s hand reach across my stomach to pull me back round to face her. She met my gaze with a look of complete understanding. I do not know where it had come from or even if I had imagined it in my phase of helplessness. I went limp beneath her touch and as she felt the tear roll down my cheek into the pillow she pulled me towards her and pushed the arm she had rested her head upon underneath my neck. She stroked my cheek with her other hand and with one sentence gave me all the comfort I needed.
“Sleep Anya, I’m here, I’m always here.”




I've just realised how utterly sad and cheesy I am. *sighs* That is a bit from the story I wrote/am writing (but have temporarily stopped). It is indeed rather cheesy but cute too.

"No hour of life is wasted that is spent in the saddle" ~Winston Churchill

Horse riding last night was fantastic.I can definately feel an improvement now, and I think this is mostly due to the fact that my jumping lessons are private.
Firstly, I was so much more comfortable at being on my own. At the start of the lesson I go into the school and Gemma starts setting up the jumps, which takes about 10 minutes, so she basically says 'get on and just start doing your own thing. Start going around doing stop-starts, trot and canter'.

Now usually in the group we only get to canter when she says and it's usually only one or two laps of the school due to space and time and the fact that it's quite a big group. but when in a private lesson and for the first part am told that i can canter when i wish it's a lot more comfortable because i have a thing about people watching me in a group.
So I learned to relax more, which ultimately makes it so much easier to get a canter and I found that after a while it didn't take much to get canter from halt or walk. We found last night that Oliver is also capable of having a very bouncy canter, which is a lot better for jumping because it means that they are working from behind and containing energy, resulting in a better jump that is less forced or rushed.
So we were improving that, which also forced me to keep my legs firmly around him in canter (which is where they should be).

I have also found that a technique that is so much more effective than kicking. If the horse and you both know that the horse is capable of doing what you want then there is no point in digging your heels in or being too firm. You don't want them to become jumpy or skittish because you're jabbing them in the side when they would do exactly what you asked if you just asked politely.
So rather than putting pressure on with the heel in a horizontal movement I have worked out that a more 'stroking' technique with the heel, pushing up with the heel gently, is better. It is also good because if you increase the pressure of the strokes or the speed it works more as encouragement into the pace that the horse knows it is capable of doing rather than saying 'right now go!' and making them jumpy and probably saying to themselves 'Christ you could have just asked nicely!' Not only does this make for smoother transitions but you dont get the jumping the back up when going into trot, which ultimately tends to lead to rushing or lifting of the head.

So I feel that I am learning a lot of new things. I am very tempted to start having more prviate lessons, even if just half hour sessions (which would be the same kind of price as the group hour session) because it definately increases my concentration and allows me to become more comfortable. It's less about where you are in the school compared to others and more about you talking to the horse and being less conscious that you're being watched.
I definately feel a lot more accomplished after my private lessons so it would probably make sense to follow that and have more of them. The groups are fine when there aren't so many of you but the last few times there have been 6 or 7 of us and it's just not the same, especially as the horses get a lot less focused when around so many others.

So, I miss next week because of going to see Mika (6 days!!!!), but the week after I will have another private, whether it be half an hour or an hour or half an hour jumping, it just feels so much better.

An amusing quote: "It's a lot like nuts and bolts - if the rider's nuts, the horse bolts!" ~Nicholas Evans

Step into the light...

I have decided that I would like to be able to see auras because I would like to be able to see when the colours change and also whether a person can be defined by one colour. I mean, if you quickly changed your emotions all at once that maybe you would look like a rainbow or maybe you aura would be flashing from different colours. I just think it would be really interesting.

I have discovered that I am getting back into my old music ways. Mostly because of Darren Hayes and Savage Garden. I have not listened to any metal for long periods of time recently. In fact, I haven't played Cradle of Filth in months.

Tony Blair has announced that he is standing down. I heard the speech on Classic FM when I got home and I felt that he sounded like he would cry. He acknowledged his government had not always lived up to high expectations but said he had been "very blessed" to lead "the greatest nation on earth". He apologized for times when he 'fell short' but said he had always done what he thought was best for the country.

I love the word 'savy', it is going to be my word of the week because I love it.

Here I Am, This Is Me

Well this is my first post on my blog. I now have both a livejournal and a blogspot account so I'll try to make them different. Maybe I will put more meaningful things on here because livejournal is really my moaning thing. Not that this post really begins the meaningful-ness huh?

Well, I shall begin by introducing myself.
My name is Fiona, though my internet name is usually Firefly. I am a student, or at least, I am going to university in September this year, hopefully. I have put Lancaster University as my firm choice. Pressure is tough because it is increasing every single day. I feel like crying quite often but I have some of the best friends anyone could ask for. I would like to make special mention of my boyfriend Sam, who I love so so much, my neighbour Gareth, who is the best person in the world, and Katie, my buddy at school who helps me through a lot.
I live with my family and we have two dogs. Pippa has just had a doggy hysterectomy, bless her, so she is quite down at the moment.
I love living. I am terrified of death. I have been so down I have hurt myself but I have never ever wanted to die. Despite all the arguements against inventing drugs that would make us live for longer I think I would take them without thinking about it. Maybe I am stupid but that is a common thing for me to think. I do not like myself. Yes I am confusing. I get confused sometimes but also I get annoyed when I don't think people understand what I am saying. I love intelligence and I love knowledge and I hate being challenged and I cannot stand it when people make me feel small, even if I am wrong. I am indeed, quite small, but I like to think that it's just in the physical sense. I am occassionally happy with how I look but most of the time I would love to be someone else. I love music. I love rock and metal the most. If I was male I would definately want to be gay. I don't think I could be a straight man, and yet, as a female, I do find women attractive. No, I don't make sense. I love love and I love sex and I have kissed both guys and girls. I hate feminism and yet I hate being the 'weaker sex'. I love to eat and I eat when I am not hungry. At the moment I am getting back into eating Lindt chocolate and toast. I have a great job and great people to work with. I love being hyper and I will miss school. I love horses and I love horse riding and horse jumping. I absolutely love Darren Hayes. I believe that hugs are one of the greatest things ever invented by man, I could hug forever and always be happy.
I love animals. I love having money when it is needed. I say sorry too often and yet I find it hard when I mean it most. Eye contact hurts with people I love because I fear I will cry for fear of losing them. Sometimes it can be nice to cry. I love luxurious baths. I love the smell of the rain and the grass. I love the park. I love nostlagia. I love being alone but I love company. I hate being the sheep but I am not good at making decisions.
I am terrified about the future and yet, somewhere inside me I know I am looking forward to it.