"As the new passion stirring in their veins, When the destroying Dragon wakes from sleep"

This just came to me... I am sitting in the library and I am alone in this particular area bar two year 12s sitting opposite me. A year 13 whom I rarely speak to but who I spent lunch with, along with other people, just walked past and she smiled. Suddenly I got this feeling of us being closer through going through these exams together. The year 12s are not currently doing exams and it just seemed that there was this very strange and weak bond, but a bond none-the-less. And this section of a War poem just popped into my head, and though clearly it is very exaggerated when thinking of the situation of the exams and therefore it is very difficult to link the two things, I still feel the need to put it in here:

"There is not anything more wonderful than a great people moving towards the deep of an unguessed and unfeared future"

I will only briefly talk of the exams. I have 3 left now, which feels rather nice. But I will be so much happier when this afternoon is over and I can say goodbye to Psychology A level exams. They are simply horrible and very gut-wrenching... I must say, tis not a desirable feeling!

Tomorrow I shall be horse-riding at 8 o clock and I have decided that I want a regular private lesson rather than a jumping one, just to re-confirm my flat work and to go back over a couple of things that I have discovered more obviously to be slight problems through jumping. So I am hoping it shall be helpful, especially if I ask her if we can focus on my canter-work because I think I need it and it will certainly put me in better stead for jumping. I think I have Oliver tomorrow aswell, so I am very much hoping that he is planning on being well behaved.

I am trying to consolidate Psychology in my head and once again it has got to the point where I just want to go into that exam right now and get it all down on paper before my brain starts filtering it out through an awake version of Reverse Learning! (Thank you Crick and Mitchison... may you be content that you have polluted my mind with 'theories of dreams') ¬¬


Oh dear

On the verge of something Wonderful

Three things that can be said for today. Firstly, the psychology exam was surprisingly fine and the questions were pretty nice, particularly the one on Sleep. So that's one thing straight-forwardly out of the way.
Secondly I had a moment today when I realised the power of language. Now, I didn't realise 'oh I have the power to really say whatever I like', it was more concerned with the fact that I can choose NOT to say things, and that is what is powerful. I said the F word and I thought afterwards, I have so much freedom in that I have the power to control that. And no, I didn't think it in a 'yes being able to control my tongue gives me the moral highground', but it was more that stopping yourself from saying things can often be harder than just saying them, and having the power to do that is something so wonderful and it's more the potential that this 'power' provides than anything else that just made me feel happy.

Thirdly and finally, I was reading the book 'Why men can't (or don't- one of the two) listen and women can't read maps' and half of it I found really stupid, like they're just playing with the already existing rivalry between the sexes and that actually most of it cannot be generalised and that in most of those annoying instances they were just picking. Then we read on to the sex section and I learnt a few things, mostly about what men and women want. I learned that it is ok to have oddly sounding desires or ways in which I like to be treated sexually, for example, back tickling and non-sexual contact, which the book actually mentioned. I have always thought that I don't want to tell people how I want to be touched or whatever because maybe they'd find what I like boring (i.e. just tickling my back) but I discovered that it is actually ok to have those needs and that there is no harm in telling anyone that you like that because it is common. The book kind of gave ideas of what men and women like sexually and then said that men and women should just exchange those ideas between each other. I know it's advised that couples discuss what they like in that area but I never really got it confirmed in such a way and I think it's a really good idea. It sounds cheesy and crap and perhaps embarassing (mostly because I am not good at talking so openly about sex) but actually it wouldn't be. I really have stopped believing that it would be and I feel quite liberated on a kind of small scale. It's quite nice.

General studies exam tomorrow, I am not all that nervous about it actually, especially as it is in the afternoon so I can go back over notes in the morning.

I may alter this post because I still think i want to add to that last paragraph about the book and related stuff.

Can you feel it?

Revision has got the point where i'm finding it pretty difficult to actually read what is on a page and actually making it go in. I can't absorb anymore! I don't know how to revise any more of english because I have no motivation and no energy and no will to do any practise papers. I just want them to be over but I can't be sure if i'm ready. I'm sure Psychology Unit 4 will be ok, the English war exam will suck but i'll battle through it. General studies... well, I just don't know. I don't know how to revise for that either. Biology... I don't really care to be perfectly honest. The two other english exams, I don't know how I can do any more for those, and then Psychology unit 5 is going to be awful... it's that that's scaring me now! I've just realised how much there is! But I do have a week to revise that after Wednesday... along with biology... and the rest of english... oh god. At least I know there's not much more I need to do for English, and at least I know I don't care about Biology. So I shall focus on Unit 5. The 'Microbes and Disease' biology paper can just go to Hell. I do NOT want to know.

Anyway. Enough moaning for now. I might start watching the USA version of Queer as Folk, the actors had better be good! But I shall miss the dude who plays Stuart.

I need to get some more pens and the like this afternoon, or a 3 hour exam on monday will be a bit pointless. You know, I can't even be bothered to do that! I want to just sit outside with a book and a glass of wine and know that in the evening I may be having a barbeque or seeing my neighbours or some other friends or Sam or that we're going out or that we're having a big chicken dinner, playing Magic games, going to the pub or a gig or that after this meal I can sit around watching something awesome or sitting outside at night with people and knowing that the next day I can go out, Sutton, Birmingham, the park, anywhere! So long as I'm not revising. I'd just like to be able to do all of that and know that I don't have to time how long my break from revision is and I don't have exams starting Monday. Well, I've decided on my back-up plan if all goes to crap in my exams... I shall work with horses. I shall go study Equine Science or Equine Studies where the entrance grades are DDD or CCC or something like that and then I shall work with horses and teach people to ride and how to look after them. I will be having so much fun. Ok so i'd be wearing jodhpurs everyday rather than a suit but I know i'd be happy, so at least I have a good back-up plan. Makes me question why I'm going to uni to do what I am going to do actually, thinking about it!

I think I will stop there because I'm not really sure what I came on here planning to write, so that will do.

A lovely horse is always an experience.... It is an emotional experience of the kind that is spoiled by words

...and Oliver really is a lovely horse.

Hello there reader,
Today is my last day of being alone in the house... well, to be honest yesterday was my last full day, the family come home in the next couple of hours I believe. I have loved being alone. As much as it can get strange and occassionally a teeny bit lonely, in general it's just not. Ok, correction, they've just arrived home.

I need to write about horse riding again because I find it helpful to write down how I think I'm doing because it means I can attempt to decide on what I need to work on. So here goes nothing...

Last week I made a few targets for my next lesson, they were:
Sit down more firmly
Keep hands more still and down
Look ahead over jumps
Be more definate in the jump position

And last lesson I felt that I improved on keeping my hands more still and keeping more relaxed in general. I have decided that I trust Oliver so much and have realised that I don't need to be tense about learning to jump even if there is a little bit of anxiety because really, we're doing it for fun. I love him to pieces, I love his temperament and his attitude, how he comes out of his stable looking all fed up but as soon as you mount him he perks right up and is always raring to go. He is an angel. A gorgeous gorgeous angel. Anyway, I felt I improved sitting down more firmly in the canter but have got a couple of things I want to try next lesson to improve that. And I felt that I was more definate in going into the jump position over jumps, although looking ahead is a bit more difficult to remember to do.

I'll leave it there because I did put some of this in my actual diary and I'm sure it doesn't really interest you to read about horse riding.


"There is no secret so close as that between a rider and his horse" ~Robert Smith Surtees