I see everything that's Beautiful, everything that's Beautiful

Well on Sunday I lost my best friend to Uni the other day and I feel like I've lost a bit of me. I really do. I realize how cheesy that must sound and I would have thought it myself before all this happened but there is always some truth in the cheese... and now I really feel it.
I won't go into all the things that make me sad as a result of him leaving because... of course... it will make me sad, and I don't want to be sad because I'm trying to think that he's having a great time and I will be in 4 days when I go off to uni too. I'm trying to think positively and, although it's hard because I will miss everything so much and I miss him so much and I never wanted anything to change, I'm trying not to write too much of the sadness down.
But now I'm listening to Amy MacDonald and this music reminds me of him. I'm getting just a little shivery right now.
I must remember not to cry, I must remember not to cry, I must remember not to cry... and yet it came. 'That's my best buddy that is'... and there it was.

Please don't forget me.

X

'And it hurts with every heartbeat'

Well it has been exactly 2 months since my last post, so it's probably about time I wrote another one. Haven't been to Middleton in while actually, so there is surprisingly little to report on the horse riding front. It's just been too busy with uni stuff! But i'll try and get a lesson booked for next week and the week after, or maybe more. We'll see. I did hire Oliver for 2 days for my birthday, which was lovely. I got 4 hours of riding on him over those 2 days and had a long time to bond with him. And I think I did because he soon started coming to me in the stable rather than me having to move him round and stuff to groom him and pick out his feet etc. And he started lifting his feet for me rather than me having to shout at him :p So that was good. The next main bit of riding I did after that was at Jo's. I went for the day and in the morning I rode Pippa (the ex-polo pony/crazy idiot),with Jo on Duska and Rob on Phizz, in this sort of park place where there were a number of open spaces where we planned to have a couple of long canters. Of course, Pippa decided canter was too slow and despite the speed of the other horse and pony she felt it necessary to full gallop both of the runs. After the hill she took on at this speed I think she must have realised that maybe she ought to calm down. I've never heard anything pant so loudly!! Anyway, we got back to the stable and Rob took Pip and I tacked up Ernie, the 16.5hh ex-Cheltenham racehorse/national hunter, and we had a jumping session in the paddock. Ernie is an absolute angel and I loved him to pieces. He flew over those jumps like they werent there and having ridden him I have learned that I much prefer to ride/jump bigger horses. 16.5hh may have looked pretty big but I must say it feels a lot better to ride than something smaller (sorry Oli :p)

Anyways, enough of horse riding, seeing as there is much much much to talk about. As regards uni... I got A,A,C,C and into Lancaster :D and we went to see the accommodation the other day and it is absolutely wonderful. Couldn't have got anything better. So I'm off there on the 30th September... I'll keep you posted :p
Gareth only has til the 23rd!!! It is TOOOO soon :(

I finish work on the 23rd actually, which will be good and bad. Good because im getting rather bored of the place and fed up with the company's stupid changes. Bad because it will be sad to leave the place i've worked at for a year and a half and all the fantastic people i've met there.

Currently trying to sort my room out to go to uni. (well, not currently because at this present moment i'm quite obviously typing on this here laptop (which i got for my birthday :P))
My birthday was great, except that i had to share it with results day. But everyone's results were good so at least everyone was happy. Went for a thai meal in the evening which was really different and really nice. I would definately 100% recommend it.

Went to Ireland for 2 weeks with my parents before my birthday, which was great. Dublin is incredible, as is Guinness, leprechauns, Irish pony trekking and generally everything else we experienced there.
Not long come back off holiday with Gareth. We went to Tenby for a week which was grrreat fun :D spent a lot of time on the beach because the weather was really good. Even went down there two nights to finish chocolate/wine to look at the sea and the stars etc. Saw two shooting stars, which was just amazing. The holiday also consisted of walking 2.5miles to go pony trekking, setting off the fire alarm with the grill, walking into a coach party's game in the Imperial, a lovely meal in the Plantagenet and lots and lots of craziness. Fantastic :D

This holiday I have read a quite a few more books than usual: 'The Magician's Guild' and 'The Novice' (both by Trudy Canavan), 'The Sword in the Storm' (David Gemmel), 'Lair' (James Herbert) and 'Morningstar' (David Gemmel). Then there are a number that i've either started or need to finish or read... 'The Interpretation of Murder' (not far off finishing), 'Kiss Of Shadows ' (have been meaning to finish for a long time), 'The Treasured One' (by David Eddings, to read but not started yet), 'The Dice Man' (started), 'Tipping The Velvet' (beautiful... need to finish), 'The Zombie Survival Guide' (a birthday present I have not read much of yet) and 'Ulysses' (kind of difficult, have started but wont be finished for a while yet). I also need to buy 'The High Lord' which follows after 'The Novice' and 'The Magicians Guild', but not yet. So the priorities at the moment are 'The Interpretation of Murder', 'Tipping the Velvet', 'The Dice Man' and 'Kiss of Shadows' (if i can get back into it after all this time). I love books, I really do.

Hmmmm, I can't think of things to write!!! I did have plenty in my head when I started writing this post... now I can't remember.

Oh, I've become a little addicted to World of Warcraft. I currently have a level 12 Blood Elf Paladin and a level 35/36 (or something like that) Night Elf Druid. Wahay. I love the Druid-ness of the Night Elf. Ok enough of that... it's very sad.

Went to the safari park with Katie this holiday, which was cool. Got to see the white lions who had about 3 cubs (awwwww!) So cute.
Have re-discovered the Old Irish Harp. It's actually really nice there now.

Best album bought since last post: Darren Hayes's new album 'This Delicate Thing We've Made'. 25 (I think) tracks of wonderfulness :D

Maybe I shall write another post when I remember all I was going to say. Or I'll add it to this post with a section that says 'EDIT:' or something. God I wish I could remember!!! Having just scrolled up this box I have realised that yet again the biggest paragraph of the whole post containing one topic is dedicated to horse riding. I'm sorry about that, it's just stuck in my head I guess. There are of course things that have happened that I do not wish to go into though. Maybe that is what is festering in my head, tricking me into thinking I have a lot more to write. Yes, maybe that's it...

But yes, I'm working tonight instead of yesterday night to cover for Charlie... so I need to go get tea. Hopefully it's wine and chocolate night with Gareth tonight after work :)


'Til next time

Sit tight I'm gonna need you to keep time

Well I feel like I've been dragged through a number of hedges backwards, sideways and upside-down. I just had an hour private jump lesson at Middleton EC, which, despite the fact that it rocked and was really useful and satisfying, seriously has worn me out. Aside from that I feel that I have made a lot of progress in that hour. I think it is so much better to have the hour because in half an hour the lesson is over before you realise you're really getting into it and starting to adjust more things to improve. But at least in the hour you have time to warm up, work really hard in the middle, improve considerably and then warm down, rather than warming up, working hard and suddenly finishing. Much better today. And Oliver, of course, was an absolute angel. He did wonderful jumps today and although there were a couple of awkward ones to follow through (resulting in a smack where it hurts from the front bump of the saddle >_<) most were just perfect and full of energy and enthusiasm. We tried to force him to take off and land in the same correct place this lesson - (because we had more time) - which obviously helped him a lot too because his jumping was way better than normal and when the guiding poles were taken away he still jumped fantastically, so they had clearly had an effect.

I think I improved a lot in terms of my jump position and my keeping him straight over the jumps rather than cutting the corner too soon. I did a lot better in balancing him round corners as well, I feel, especially in the canter, which he did really well with aswell because he was on the correct lead pretty much all of the time... bless him... and I managed to get him on the correct lead over the jumps even if trying to push him the opposite way so that he didn't cut the corner... phew... LOTS to comment on haha. Probably confusing you a little now.
Hopefully going to see Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix tonight, so I'll let you know what I think of it. I saw Outlaw at Sam's last night, which was alright but could have been better... I found it a bit boring to be honest and more than slightly pretentious, ah well, that's another film seen, along with Blade which I saw on Wednesday, which was also good but got silly when it came to the people blowing up to big red blobs and then exploding. Stephen Dorff, however, absolutely MADE that film by being hot hot HOT! ... http://images.allmoviephoto.com/1998_Blade/stephen_dorff_blade_002.jpg ... Check him out.

Right, time for beans on toast I think. Then I need to ring Kerry (though maybe not today) and ask about hiring Oli for a week and the terms and conditions etc etc. Yay.
Over and out mes amies

xxx

"Yeh we're only gonna fake it"

"A slap in the face and a look of disgrace infront of the whole race, it's all gone sour.

I stare at the floor as she storms out the door and the man at the bar shouts 'Happy Hour'"

http://www.myspace.com/palladiumofficial
Such a 'feel-good' song but I don't think it's meant to be a very happy song *shrugs* oh well. Check it bitches!

Well exams are dead and so technically I should now be a bit more alive... but I'm really not. I am spending to long on the computer and doing F all. I have 3 months of holiday in total, 3 weeks of which will be spent away in Ireland and Wales. I think I probably need to get off my backside and do things. I've made cakes, attempted to read more of James Joyce's 'Ulysses', played way too much World of Warcraft, worked the normal hours at the pub and done nothing much else thats any different to what I would normally do. I just want to sun to come out so I can go out and stuff. Im going to ride to Little Aston park at some stage, just because it IS acceptable for a nearly 18year old to play on swings :) Speaking of which... I will be 18 in just over a month... a month and 5 days to be precise. I still don't know what I want or what I'm going to do. I have nothing planned so I think it'll be spontaneous drinking, though having drunk a whole bottle of Baileys last night the thought of alcohol is making me feel a little disgusting... though I must say... I have definately shifted the threshold of my 'feeling and being drunk' point. One glass of wine, maybe 2 used to be all it took but now I can drink a whole bottle of Baileys or 3 glasses of champagne and 3 glasses of red wine and still be ok to drink more because I feel just a teeny bit tipsy. I must say, the Baileys was the worst out of those but it makes up for that by being THE sexiest drink in the world. Yes, drinks CAN be sexy... Baileys proves that in my opinion. Though Remy Martin does come in at 2nd place very close behind.

I can't get Palladium's Happy Hour out of my head!
Watched Blade today with a couple of cups of Earl Grey at Rach's. How lovely. I made Butterfly cakes especially for the occassion but went and left them at home. Oh she's clever! *pats own back*

I'm feeling somewhat tired but quite thoughtful. What I want is to feel creative but I think the very concept of a holiday is turning me into some sort of zombie pretending to be alive even though Im actually not getting up or going to bed at considerably different times :S I think it's because I'm not doing much. I ought to go out and run or cycle or something. Maybe I will go swimming. Well I have horseriding on Friday... hour private jump lesson... which will be good. And sometime this holiday I will have my birthday thingy from my parents where I get to own a horse for a week and ride him/her as much as I like, which will be wonderful.

I need to go now because Im sure I can hear WoW calling me to kill some Rabid Dire Wolves before I pop off to work ce soir.
Auf Wiedersehen ladies and gentlemen *tips tophat*

"As the new passion stirring in their veins, When the destroying Dragon wakes from sleep"

This just came to me... I am sitting in the library and I am alone in this particular area bar two year 12s sitting opposite me. A year 13 whom I rarely speak to but who I spent lunch with, along with other people, just walked past and she smiled. Suddenly I got this feeling of us being closer through going through these exams together. The year 12s are not currently doing exams and it just seemed that there was this very strange and weak bond, but a bond none-the-less. And this section of a War poem just popped into my head, and though clearly it is very exaggerated when thinking of the situation of the exams and therefore it is very difficult to link the two things, I still feel the need to put it in here:

"There is not anything more wonderful than a great people moving towards the deep of an unguessed and unfeared future"

I will only briefly talk of the exams. I have 3 left now, which feels rather nice. But I will be so much happier when this afternoon is over and I can say goodbye to Psychology A level exams. They are simply horrible and very gut-wrenching... I must say, tis not a desirable feeling!

Tomorrow I shall be horse-riding at 8 o clock and I have decided that I want a regular private lesson rather than a jumping one, just to re-confirm my flat work and to go back over a couple of things that I have discovered more obviously to be slight problems through jumping. So I am hoping it shall be helpful, especially if I ask her if we can focus on my canter-work because I think I need it and it will certainly put me in better stead for jumping. I think I have Oliver tomorrow aswell, so I am very much hoping that he is planning on being well behaved.

I am trying to consolidate Psychology in my head and once again it has got to the point where I just want to go into that exam right now and get it all down on paper before my brain starts filtering it out through an awake version of Reverse Learning! (Thank you Crick and Mitchison... may you be content that you have polluted my mind with 'theories of dreams') ¬¬


Oh dear

On the verge of something Wonderful

Three things that can be said for today. Firstly, the psychology exam was surprisingly fine and the questions were pretty nice, particularly the one on Sleep. So that's one thing straight-forwardly out of the way.
Secondly I had a moment today when I realised the power of language. Now, I didn't realise 'oh I have the power to really say whatever I like', it was more concerned with the fact that I can choose NOT to say things, and that is what is powerful. I said the F word and I thought afterwards, I have so much freedom in that I have the power to control that. And no, I didn't think it in a 'yes being able to control my tongue gives me the moral highground', but it was more that stopping yourself from saying things can often be harder than just saying them, and having the power to do that is something so wonderful and it's more the potential that this 'power' provides than anything else that just made me feel happy.

Thirdly and finally, I was reading the book 'Why men can't (or don't- one of the two) listen and women can't read maps' and half of it I found really stupid, like they're just playing with the already existing rivalry between the sexes and that actually most of it cannot be generalised and that in most of those annoying instances they were just picking. Then we read on to the sex section and I learnt a few things, mostly about what men and women want. I learned that it is ok to have oddly sounding desires or ways in which I like to be treated sexually, for example, back tickling and non-sexual contact, which the book actually mentioned. I have always thought that I don't want to tell people how I want to be touched or whatever because maybe they'd find what I like boring (i.e. just tickling my back) but I discovered that it is actually ok to have those needs and that there is no harm in telling anyone that you like that because it is common. The book kind of gave ideas of what men and women like sexually and then said that men and women should just exchange those ideas between each other. I know it's advised that couples discuss what they like in that area but I never really got it confirmed in such a way and I think it's a really good idea. It sounds cheesy and crap and perhaps embarassing (mostly because I am not good at talking so openly about sex) but actually it wouldn't be. I really have stopped believing that it would be and I feel quite liberated on a kind of small scale. It's quite nice.

General studies exam tomorrow, I am not all that nervous about it actually, especially as it is in the afternoon so I can go back over notes in the morning.

I may alter this post because I still think i want to add to that last paragraph about the book and related stuff.

Can you feel it?

Revision has got the point where i'm finding it pretty difficult to actually read what is on a page and actually making it go in. I can't absorb anymore! I don't know how to revise any more of english because I have no motivation and no energy and no will to do any practise papers. I just want them to be over but I can't be sure if i'm ready. I'm sure Psychology Unit 4 will be ok, the English war exam will suck but i'll battle through it. General studies... well, I just don't know. I don't know how to revise for that either. Biology... I don't really care to be perfectly honest. The two other english exams, I don't know how I can do any more for those, and then Psychology unit 5 is going to be awful... it's that that's scaring me now! I've just realised how much there is! But I do have a week to revise that after Wednesday... along with biology... and the rest of english... oh god. At least I know there's not much more I need to do for English, and at least I know I don't care about Biology. So I shall focus on Unit 5. The 'Microbes and Disease' biology paper can just go to Hell. I do NOT want to know.

Anyway. Enough moaning for now. I might start watching the USA version of Queer as Folk, the actors had better be good! But I shall miss the dude who plays Stuart.

I need to get some more pens and the like this afternoon, or a 3 hour exam on monday will be a bit pointless. You know, I can't even be bothered to do that! I want to just sit outside with a book and a glass of wine and know that in the evening I may be having a barbeque or seeing my neighbours or some other friends or Sam or that we're going out or that we're having a big chicken dinner, playing Magic games, going to the pub or a gig or that after this meal I can sit around watching something awesome or sitting outside at night with people and knowing that the next day I can go out, Sutton, Birmingham, the park, anywhere! So long as I'm not revising. I'd just like to be able to do all of that and know that I don't have to time how long my break from revision is and I don't have exams starting Monday. Well, I've decided on my back-up plan if all goes to crap in my exams... I shall work with horses. I shall go study Equine Science or Equine Studies where the entrance grades are DDD or CCC or something like that and then I shall work with horses and teach people to ride and how to look after them. I will be having so much fun. Ok so i'd be wearing jodhpurs everyday rather than a suit but I know i'd be happy, so at least I have a good back-up plan. Makes me question why I'm going to uni to do what I am going to do actually, thinking about it!

I think I will stop there because I'm not really sure what I came on here planning to write, so that will do.