In the clear moon light, Without fear... Insomnia

I had quite a strange and frightening experience last night, though in actual fact it wasn't really frightening at all. I watched a film til 2 o clock, and when I do that and turn off the T.V. afterwards to lie down and go to sleep I always find that i'm quite awake. However, it was 2am, so I figured I ought to try and sleep.
So I lay there for ages with my eyes closed, though they felt open because it was equally as dark with my eyelids open as when they were closed. And I just lay there. I remember knowing that I would fall asleep at some point but I started waiting.
I know people do this and it's perfectly normal to lie awake waiting to fall asleep, but then it frightened me, for some reason, that maybe I wouldn't be able to fall asleep because I was still thinking. I then tried to find a way to stop thinking, which clearly cannot be done because that in itself require thinking and you need to still be thinking to be aware whether you have stopped or not, and if you believe that you have stopped thinking then you quite clearly haven't because it requires thought to believe that.
Anyway, I got tangled up in that big arguement and then tried to drift away as I was taught to do in yoga relaxation. I found that it wasn't quite working as it usually does but I did get this incredible feeling of fading, even though all I could see was blackness. I got this feeling of getting further away from the physical blackness of my eyelids and into a weird state that I then thought must be close to sleep... though I then realised that I was thinking again and got all wound up. I got frightened because I did want to sleep and I was afraid that maybe this is what insomniacs must deal with and that it would become a habit.
I don't know why I was so afraid of not being able to sleep, and then that got worse by the fact that I thought I would fall asleep eventually but as I was not feeling sleepy now then how would I ever just fall asleep.
Of course, I realised I had fallen asleep when I woken up to my phone the next morning and it frightened me again how the last thing I had been thinking about was all of the above and I got anxious about when I had drifted off and why had I not known the last moments before I fell asleep.

I don't know why any of this felt so different last night compared to any other night when I've laid awake wondering when I will fall asleep. But I thought I would write about it... which reminds me... I must update my diary.

Affinity II

I can't believe I'm doing this again, but aside from the cheese I decided that as this is my blog I thought I ought to have my things in it, good or bad, just because, it's me. This is another extract from my story... it's just as cheesy as the last one, if not more. (The story is told by Anyetta Hallaway, an innocent young woman trying to come to terms with her new-found feelings for Kayla West, the attractive new girl in town. This extract is when she finally realises them.)


"After what seemed like half an hour Kayla stood up. I looked up at her and watched as she walked slowly away from me. She stood about 7 feet away and looked out off the hill to the fields in the distance. In her hand she had a destroyed daisy, drowned by the rain. She hung it down at her side and looked to the ground. At that moment a great feeling of sadness welled up in the pit of my stomach and I knew there was something about her that I wanted to know and perhaps couldn’t know because I knew I couldn’t ask it of her to tell me. My heart went out to her. There was something tremendously tragic within her, something that I could see rested on her shoulders and was a burden to her always. I wanted to go to her. I wanted to know her, everything. I wanted to hold her there and know everything she knew and loved, everything she was. And before I knew it I had stood up and gone to her. I had walked right up behind her and slipped my hands gently round her waist and moved close behind her. She flinched at first and I wanted only to comfort her. But before I could make one more thought escape my mind she had turned around and I was in her arms. She kissed me deeply, the wetness of our shirts seeping against one another, my body firm against hers, hers pushing further against mine and pulling me into her as if in desperation. I felt the rush as it hit my heart and lifted it like a hundred eagles had taken it in their talons and were flying away with it into some beautiful place. The chill that shot through then me sent so many tingles across my skin that if I were to try and count them, even give them a glimpse of recognition, I would be there for eternity. My eyes were wide at first but as I felt the warmth of her skin through the rain I knew at that moment everything, and the world opened to me with its great embracing arms and told me to follow. I knew her and I realised this was all I wanted. Everything I felt at that moment called to me like sirens through the shimmering rain and I wanted to run to it, wanted to find her waiting at the end, wherever I was running to. She pulled me closer and we touched at every point making the fluttering pangs race inside my stomach, rolling round and round like waves, crashing on inner walls. I wanted only to stay with her here, always. Her kiss was like a thousand roses on my lips, her touch like the velvet I knew I had imagined it to be and I never wanted it to end, and I knew at that moment she was mine and mine alone, and I wanted nothing more."

You bleed just to know you're alive

Well I was really stupid and temporarily forgot the address for this blog, so I though maybe it had been removed... but thank the Lord no... I'm fed up of sites just removing you hint hint MYSPACE!!!!!

Well school is over (we finished last week) and now it's all revision revision revision... if I could motivate myself to actually do it. I should revise today but I cant help thinking I should actually use the weekend as a weekend, especially as this week my family are going away and I shall have the whole time to revise alone, then I will actually get something done.

I feel bad but I can't help but wonder sometimes if two wrongs do make a right... sometimes it's entirely necessary, especially when I'm doing less. If you feel hurt and someone hasn't actually DONE all that much is it still right for you to think that they have done something wrong? Or am I just searching for justifications here... but then again, if we're talking about timing then that cannot be the case.

Oh I don't know.
I do hope the weather perks up because I intend on having a picnic in the park with Gareth this study leave, but it's been raining all night and all morning now and it's just depressing.

I'm going to have a cooking week next week as I shall have the freedom to do what I want, that is... if my grandparents (who live over the road) leave me the fuck alone ¬¬ Last time I spent some time at home alone I got phone calls every God-damned day and it REALLY did my head in. As much as I'm thinking 'no surely this time they'll realise I'm 17(!!) and not do it I should probably realise that I'm just kidding myself and not only will THEY ring me every minute of everyday but I will also get it from my other grandparents ¬¬ Well, at least I can try the answer 'yes I'm revising' to their question of 'are we disturbing you?' *shrugs*

"Crashing not like hips or cars. No, more like p-p-p-parties"

Well. I dont know whether i should be ashamed but i dont think theres any point in being ashamed so i will just type away. This needs to be put in here because this doesn't happen very often. Right, I got home and went upstairs and started to get unchanged but put Fall Out Boy on majorly loud i.e. 'Thanks for the memories' and 'The Carpel tunnel of Love' and 'This aint a scene...' because they are my favourites and i TOTALLY rocked out. I mean, literally, i danced around my room like an absolute spaz but it was more than just 'dancing round my room'. I dont know if you know how it feels when music grips hold of you and you feel it in your stomach and for a moment you're in your own euphoria and it's like 'the world's biggest orgasm'!!! Seriously I ended up in my bra and trousers (cuz i was so hot) and my pirate scarf tied round my neck going absolutely crazy! And there was Disturbed and Mika and Coheed and Cambria 'Favour House Atlantic, Lostprophets 'Last Summer' and then more Fall Out Boy!! I have never done that before but I hope it'll be like that tomorrow night at the Mika gig. My God people will need to clear out the way if it is!!!! Look out! I have arrived!!!!

"Goodnight sweet prince, may flights of devils wing you to your rest"

I love Anne Rice, to pieces. I watched Interview with the Vampire last night and my GOD she is incredible. She includes a lot of homoerotic-ness in her books anyway because Lestat is just a big bisexual! But that film is just extradordinary. I will list the bits that REALLY get me, EVERY time I watch it, because I think they deserve a mention:

1. When Louis meets Armand and Armand says "Remember my name... Armand"... gives me the shivers
2. The bit where Louis tells Armand that he is leaving and Armand comes out from behind the corner and says "So soon?" with lots of fire in his eyes as if... we haven't even started yet! ;D
3. The bit when Armand brushed his hand through the candle flame and winces.
4. When Armand speaks these words... (it is also the music that does this and the fact that by this point you know Armand wants Louis)... "Vampire... with a human soul. Immortal... with a mortal's passion....... you ... are... beautiful, my friend" ... MY GOD IT KILLS ME!
5. Generally all the bits after with Louis and Armand but particularly when Louis 'regretfully' declines his 'invitation' to join him and comes up to his face and grasps his head in his hands and speaks to him like he's going to kiss him, his lips even touch Armand's forehead (made ever by the fact that Louis is played by Brad Pitt and Armand played by Antonio Banderas!) and he speaks the words 'Ah, but I know you did. I know. You who regrets nothing, you who feels nothing, if that's all I have left to learn, I can do that on my own.' etc... i know the script too well... but it really turns me on. I mean... REALLY... turns me on. Bloody Hell.
6. Also when Louis finds Lestat in the old house near the very end and Lestat turns round and looks Louis up and down and says 'still beautiful' and 'the more you fought the more i wanted you' and the look on his face is just brilliant.

I tell you what, I worship Anne Rice for that story and that film and every one of her books. We just need Tarquin Blackwood in the Louis/Armand picture now and it would be amazing. Anyone who doesnt think girls can or should be turned on by seeing two guys together like men get turned on at seeing two girls together should be smacked.

Affinity

It came to 12 o clock and we both looked to the clock at the same time. I pulled the duvet across from my side and Kayla from hers and we enclosed ourselves in a soft envelope of duvet. It took a great deal of fidgeting and rearranging before we finally got comfortable and realised that it would have been far easier to get into bed properly for now the duvet was the wrong way round and so the cold side of it was touching our skin. We lay silent for what seemed like a decade when finally Kayla turned and looked at me, with what seemed like a bright blue light in her eyes. I turned my head to look at her and noticed her eyes shone with a dim green and I smiled. Everything new about her I wanted to embrace, wanted to write down so I would never forget it. Kayla rested her head on one bent arm and the other rested in front of her, between us. I mimicked her and turned my body to face hers, the duvet suddenly seeming so much warmer as it shuffled over us.
“Anya,” she whispered still, though there was really no need, my Aunt was not here and so there was no worry as to who we may be disturbing. Though her whispers touched me like gentle moth wings and I relaxed there and answered, “Yes”.
“Have you ever wondered how many stars you can actually see when you look up into that sky?” I noticed she was looking out the window behind me and I turned with a quick rustle to be greeted by a clear sky and a vast sea of shining dots out of my window. I loved the stars and always had done. The stars brought me back home. Not here. No, not with my Aunt. They brought me somewhere I did not know but did know at the same time. Somewhere I remembered but at the same time did not remember. They reminded me of a man I once knew as my father and as I looked through that window a shiver spread across me and I sighed deeply.
“I have always wondered it Kayla. They remind me of my father, how we used to watch the stars every single night until the day he… until the day he died.”
It still hit me like a hundred knives in the chest and I almost jumped when I felt the pressure of Kayla’s hand reach across my stomach to pull me back round to face her. She met my gaze with a look of complete understanding. I do not know where it had come from or even if I had imagined it in my phase of helplessness. I went limp beneath her touch and as she felt the tear roll down my cheek into the pillow she pulled me towards her and pushed the arm she had rested her head upon underneath my neck. She stroked my cheek with her other hand and with one sentence gave me all the comfort I needed.
“Sleep Anya, I’m here, I’m always here.”




I've just realised how utterly sad and cheesy I am. *sighs* That is a bit from the story I wrote/am writing (but have temporarily stopped). It is indeed rather cheesy but cute too.

"No hour of life is wasted that is spent in the saddle" ~Winston Churchill

Horse riding last night was fantastic.I can definately feel an improvement now, and I think this is mostly due to the fact that my jumping lessons are private.
Firstly, I was so much more comfortable at being on my own. At the start of the lesson I go into the school and Gemma starts setting up the jumps, which takes about 10 minutes, so she basically says 'get on and just start doing your own thing. Start going around doing stop-starts, trot and canter'.

Now usually in the group we only get to canter when she says and it's usually only one or two laps of the school due to space and time and the fact that it's quite a big group. but when in a private lesson and for the first part am told that i can canter when i wish it's a lot more comfortable because i have a thing about people watching me in a group.
So I learned to relax more, which ultimately makes it so much easier to get a canter and I found that after a while it didn't take much to get canter from halt or walk. We found last night that Oliver is also capable of having a very bouncy canter, which is a lot better for jumping because it means that they are working from behind and containing energy, resulting in a better jump that is less forced or rushed.
So we were improving that, which also forced me to keep my legs firmly around him in canter (which is where they should be).

I have also found that a technique that is so much more effective than kicking. If the horse and you both know that the horse is capable of doing what you want then there is no point in digging your heels in or being too firm. You don't want them to become jumpy or skittish because you're jabbing them in the side when they would do exactly what you asked if you just asked politely.
So rather than putting pressure on with the heel in a horizontal movement I have worked out that a more 'stroking' technique with the heel, pushing up with the heel gently, is better. It is also good because if you increase the pressure of the strokes or the speed it works more as encouragement into the pace that the horse knows it is capable of doing rather than saying 'right now go!' and making them jumpy and probably saying to themselves 'Christ you could have just asked nicely!' Not only does this make for smoother transitions but you dont get the jumping the back up when going into trot, which ultimately tends to lead to rushing or lifting of the head.

So I feel that I am learning a lot of new things. I am very tempted to start having more prviate lessons, even if just half hour sessions (which would be the same kind of price as the group hour session) because it definately increases my concentration and allows me to become more comfortable. It's less about where you are in the school compared to others and more about you talking to the horse and being less conscious that you're being watched.
I definately feel a lot more accomplished after my private lessons so it would probably make sense to follow that and have more of them. The groups are fine when there aren't so many of you but the last few times there have been 6 or 7 of us and it's just not the same, especially as the horses get a lot less focused when around so many others.

So, I miss next week because of going to see Mika (6 days!!!!), but the week after I will have another private, whether it be half an hour or an hour or half an hour jumping, it just feels so much better.

An amusing quote: "It's a lot like nuts and bolts - if the rider's nuts, the horse bolts!" ~Nicholas Evans

Step into the light...

I have decided that I would like to be able to see auras because I would like to be able to see when the colours change and also whether a person can be defined by one colour. I mean, if you quickly changed your emotions all at once that maybe you would look like a rainbow or maybe you aura would be flashing from different colours. I just think it would be really interesting.

I have discovered that I am getting back into my old music ways. Mostly because of Darren Hayes and Savage Garden. I have not listened to any metal for long periods of time recently. In fact, I haven't played Cradle of Filth in months.

Tony Blair has announced that he is standing down. I heard the speech on Classic FM when I got home and I felt that he sounded like he would cry. He acknowledged his government had not always lived up to high expectations but said he had been "very blessed" to lead "the greatest nation on earth". He apologized for times when he 'fell short' but said he had always done what he thought was best for the country.

I love the word 'savy', it is going to be my word of the week because I love it.

Here I Am, This Is Me

Well this is my first post on my blog. I now have both a livejournal and a blogspot account so I'll try to make them different. Maybe I will put more meaningful things on here because livejournal is really my moaning thing. Not that this post really begins the meaningful-ness huh?

Well, I shall begin by introducing myself.
My name is Fiona, though my internet name is usually Firefly. I am a student, or at least, I am going to university in September this year, hopefully. I have put Lancaster University as my firm choice. Pressure is tough because it is increasing every single day. I feel like crying quite often but I have some of the best friends anyone could ask for. I would like to make special mention of my boyfriend Sam, who I love so so much, my neighbour Gareth, who is the best person in the world, and Katie, my buddy at school who helps me through a lot.
I live with my family and we have two dogs. Pippa has just had a doggy hysterectomy, bless her, so she is quite down at the moment.
I love living. I am terrified of death. I have been so down I have hurt myself but I have never ever wanted to die. Despite all the arguements against inventing drugs that would make us live for longer I think I would take them without thinking about it. Maybe I am stupid but that is a common thing for me to think. I do not like myself. Yes I am confusing. I get confused sometimes but also I get annoyed when I don't think people understand what I am saying. I love intelligence and I love knowledge and I hate being challenged and I cannot stand it when people make me feel small, even if I am wrong. I am indeed, quite small, but I like to think that it's just in the physical sense. I am occassionally happy with how I look but most of the time I would love to be someone else. I love music. I love rock and metal the most. If I was male I would definately want to be gay. I don't think I could be a straight man, and yet, as a female, I do find women attractive. No, I don't make sense. I love love and I love sex and I have kissed both guys and girls. I hate feminism and yet I hate being the 'weaker sex'. I love to eat and I eat when I am not hungry. At the moment I am getting back into eating Lindt chocolate and toast. I have a great job and great people to work with. I love being hyper and I will miss school. I love horses and I love horse riding and horse jumping. I absolutely love Darren Hayes. I believe that hugs are one of the greatest things ever invented by man, I could hug forever and always be happy.
I love animals. I love having money when it is needed. I say sorry too often and yet I find it hard when I mean it most. Eye contact hurts with people I love because I fear I will cry for fear of losing them. Sometimes it can be nice to cry. I love luxurious baths. I love the smell of the rain and the grass. I love the park. I love nostlagia. I love being alone but I love company. I hate being the sheep but I am not good at making decisions.
I am terrified about the future and yet, somewhere inside me I know I am looking forward to it.